Jokes

Posted on 23 June 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A man visits his psychiatrist and talks about being haunted by visions of his departed relatives.

He says, "These ghosts are perched on the tops of fence posts around my garden every night. They sit there and watch me and watch me. What can I do?"

The psychiatrist says, "That's easy - just sharpen the tops of the posts."

-- Joke submitted by dro4er   [Jokes]



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An recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Here you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Here you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"

-- Joke submitted by Max Rubin   [Jokes]



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A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..."

"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

-- Joke submitted by yoy   [Jokes]



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Dave lost his eye in an accident and couldn't afford the price of a glass eye. So he carved one out of wood. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house.

Finally, his friend Eddy came over and forced him to go out.

"There's a dance over at the club," he said. "So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?"

"All right," said Dave, "but if anybody makes fun of my eye I'm leaving."

He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.

"She's worse off than me," Dave thought. "The least I can do is ask her to dance.

He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl. "Would you care to dance?" he asked.

"Would I?" she exclaimed.

"That does it," he shouted, "Hunchback! Hunchback!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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Doctor: Mr.Townsend, I think you're suffering from a split personality.

Mr.Townsend: No, we're not.

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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Two brothers were having their breakfast one morning, it's cereals with hot chocolate. The younger brother finished his drink and took his bowl of cereal, and went to the aquarium.

Just as he was about to feed the fish with the bowl of cereals, his mother came in and shouted, "Jon, don't do it! The fish will die!"

The little boy turned pale, and gave his mother a desperate look...

-- Joke submitted by Monica Finch   [Jokes]



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A prisoner was asked how he came to be there.

"Want," was the answer.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I wanted another man's watch. He wasn't willing I should have it, and the judge wants me to stay here five years."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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