Jokes

Posted on 17 October 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door.

"Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister.

"I guess so," answered the man.

"Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and tidy?"

"Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see about getting married - but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you can count me out right now."

-- Joke submitted by Gene Werner   [Jokes]



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Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day.

The jeweler asked, "Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?"

Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, "No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'."

The jeweler smiled and said, "Yes, sir, how very romantic of you."

Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, "Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again."

-- Joke submitted by yoy   [Jokes]



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The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"

Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."

"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.

"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."

Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

-- Joke submitted by imok   [Jokes]



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- Mom, did you have a computer when you were a kid?

- No.

- Did you have a DVD player?

- No.

- A Cell phone?

- No.

- Mom, have you seen dinosaurs?

-- Joke submitted by Kiril Pravdin   [Jokes]



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Thoughts To Ponder

1. Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?

2. If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?

3. Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it.

4. If a lesbian has sex with other women but never with another man is she still considered a virgin?

5. If its 11:30 PM Dec 31 in Texas and 12:30 AM Jan 1st in New York and you have a New York driver's license that expires Jan 2007, does that mean your license has expired?

6. If a transvestite goes missing, would you put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

7. When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

8. Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?

9. If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?

10. Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?

11. Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

12. If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?

13. Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?

14. Why do people say beans beans the magical fruit when beans are vegetables?

15. If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?

-- Joke submitted by Paul Clark   [Jokes]



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Laws

The Law of Common Sense:
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The Law of Reality:
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

The Law of Self Sacrifice:
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

The Law of Volunteering:
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

The Law of Avoiding Oversell:
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

The Law of Motivation:
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.

Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.

Conway's Law:
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There is always one more bug.

Law of Drunkenness:
You can't fall off the floor.

Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Osborne's Law:
Variables won't; constants aren't.

Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

-- Joke submitted by teddybear   [Jokes]



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Murphy's Laws Of Work

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong...

18. ...until the next person quits or is fired.

19. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

20. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.
(For instance, The Murphy Centre for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T...).

21. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

22. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

23. People are always available for work in the past tense.

24. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

25. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

26. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

27. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

28. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

29. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

30. The longer the title, the less important the job.

31. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

32. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

33. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

34. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

35. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

-- Joke submitted by TheWhiteRabbit   [Jokes]



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Terrible Truths

Rudy's First Rule on Holes: When you find yourself in a hole stop digging.

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

Van Roy's Law: Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.

Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.

Agnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.

Clarke's Conclusion: Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.

Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Johnny Carson's Observation: The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

Golub's Laws of Project Execution:
a) Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
b) A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
c) The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time.
d) Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

The Phone Booth Rule: A lone quarter always gets the number nearly right.

Thornton's N-1 Rule: When attempting to recall a memorized list of N items, you will remember only N-1 items.

Corollary to Thornton's N-1 Rule: If you attempt to recall the same list ten minutes later, the missing item will be different.

Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Zall's Laws:
1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong.
2) How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

Ettore's Observation: The other line moves faster.

McPhearson's Observation: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Pudder's Laws:
a) Anything that begins well ends badly.
b) Anything that begins badly ends worse.

Cann's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.

Macaluso's Doctrine: You've never been as sick as just before you stop breathing.

Troutman's Postulate for Computer Programming:
- Profanity is the one language understood by all programmers.
- Not until a program has been in production for six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
- Job control instructions that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be.
- Interchangeable routines won't.
- If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
- If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.

Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.

The Law of Selective Gravity, or the Buttered-Side Down Law: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Stale's Law: No matter how careful one is in resealing the inner liner in a cereal box, it will tear where it is glued to the box.

Rubitusky's Law: Any inanimate object, regardless of its position, configuration or purpose, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner
for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious.

William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

Westheimer's Rule To estimate the time it takes to do a task:
Estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus, we allocate two days for a one hour task.

Brooke's Law: Adding manpower to a late project makes it later.
Also known as the Nine Pregnant Women will not get you a baby in One Month Law.

Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it will only make it worse.

Featherkile's Explanation: Whatever you did, that's what you planned.

-- Joke submitted by Gomer   [Jokes]



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