Jokes

Posted on 20 August 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!"

"Will I meet her at a party?" he asks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

-- Joke submitted by the little woman   [Jokes]



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Male Sex Drive Through The Ages

Between 16 and 32: Tri-weekly.

Between 33 and 52: Try weekly.

52 and up: Try weakly.

-- Joke submitted by Timberly   [Jokes]



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A husband comes home in the wee hours of the morning. As he undresses, his wife sees that he doesn't have his jockey shorts. She asks, "Where's your underwear?"

The man looks down and says, "My gosh, I've been robbed!"

-- Joke submitted by Gerry   [Jokes]



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Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.
After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.

The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."

The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"

-- Joke submitted by Max Rubin   [Jokes]



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Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.

"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

-- Joke submitted by Wayne Gole   [Jokes]



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Judi spotted Jon across a crowded room at a convention in Las Vegas. Easing up next to him, Judi asked Jon if he would like to join her for a drink.

"I don't know," said Jon. "I've got a wife and two kids at home..."

To which Judi replied, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them."

Jon thought about it for a second and then agreed.

A few drinks later, Judi invited Jon up to her room for a nightcap.

When Jon hesitated again, she said, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." And Jon agreed.

After a few more drinks in Judi's room, the two of them were starting to get pretty friendly, and Judi asked if Jon would be interested in a little party.

Jon, bewildered, exclaimed, "If I don't know you, you don't know me, they don't know us, and we don't know them, then who the hell are we going to invite?!"

-- Joke submitted by brin.tan   [Jokes]



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Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail.

The first one pulls out a harmonica and says, "I can play all my favorite songs on this."

The second takes out a deck of cards, "I can play poker with myself with these."

The third gets out a box of tampons. "Well, it says on here that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling, ..."

-- Joke submitted by boorbon   [Jokes]



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Some Warning Signs of Insanity

1. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

2. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

3. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

4. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

5. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

6. You collect dead windowsill flies.

7. Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

8. You like cats. Especially with mayo.

9. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.

10. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

11. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

12. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

13. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.

14. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

15. Melba toast sexually excites you.

16. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

17. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

18. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

19. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

20. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

21. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

22. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

23. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

24. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

-- Joke submitted by Paul Clark   [Jokes]



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