Jokes

Posted on 24 March 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another.

A lady walking by notices him and says, "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"

"That's OK," says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a computer programmer".

"So? What's that got to do with anything?"

"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.

The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.

The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.

At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."

The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."

-- Joke submitted by orto   [Jokes]



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Excuses Why Men Forget a Gift on Valentine's Day

1. The florist couldn't find your house. Did you move?

2. I sent a candygram. Someone must have eaten it.

3. The Hallmark store was closed, and I didn't want to send less than the best.

4. I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? AOL must have messed up again!

5. I left a voice message to meet me for dinner. Where were you?

6. I didn't know you liked jewelry.

7. I thought Saint Valentine's Day was a Catholic holy day.

8. Your mailman must have been shot in a post office massacre.

9. I thought we would do something different this year.

10. I thought it would mean I was making a commitment.

11. You didn't remind me.

-- Joke submitted by berrgoff   [Jokes]



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A guy came home one day after getting fired from work. He was so depressed that he decided to end it all and kill himself.

He went to the medicine cabinet, pulled out a bottle and began to swallow a handful of Prozac pills he found there.

After the first few he felt a lot better.

-- Joke submitted by Tim Blay   [Jokes]



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Paddy and Murphy are walking in the jungle by a river, and see a man's head sticking out of a crocodile.

Paddy says to Murphy: "Look at that flash bloke in his Lacoste sleeping bag."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride.

He's driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and thinks, "Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!" So he speeds up and heads straight for him.

At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.

He says to the priest, "Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!"

The priest then replies, "That's ok son, I got him with my door."

-- Joke submitted by Jim Cartabock   [Jokes]



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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

“I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says.

He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.

“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground.”

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.

“What did the doctor say?” the victim asks.

“He says you’re gonna die.”

-- Joke submitted by Adam Wilson   [Jokes]



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Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

10. Whoops! Somebody grab that ... we may need to put it back in later.

9. Spike! Spike! Come back with that! Bad dog! Bad, bad dog!

8. Is that supposed to be there? The book said it should be on the other side.

7. Sterile, schmerile.

6. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?

5. Gosh, if this works, I hope they name the procedure after me!

4. Okay, we're ready for the transplant, wheel in the pig.

3. Don't worry, I think it's sharp enough.

2. No, don't throw that away, we'll probably need it for the autopsy.

1. Can you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

-- Joke submitted by ticksonovel   [Jokes]



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