Jokes

Posted on 18 April 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked,"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

-- Joke submitted by Helen Pasa   [Jokes]



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Lady 1: I think that my husband is cheating on me.

Lady 2: How did you conclude that?

Lady 1: Yesterday he said that he was with John last night for a party. But I was with John last night.

-- Joke submitted by prod22   [Jokes]



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Translations of help wanted ads

Energetic self-starter - You'll be working on commission.

Entry level position - We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.

Experience required - We do not know the first thing about any of this.

Fast learner - You will get no training from us.

Flexible work hours - You will frequently work long overtime hours.

Good organizational skills - You'll be handling the filing.

Make an investment in you future - This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.

Management training position - You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.

Much client contact - You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.

Must have reliable transportation - You will be required to break speed limits.

Must be able to lift 50 pounds - We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.

Opportunity of a lifetime - You will not find a lower salary for so much work.

Planning and coordination - You book the bosses travel arrangements.

Quick problem solver - You will work on projects months behind schedule already.

Strong communication skills - You will write tons of documentation and letters.

-- Joke submitted by Antony Evans   [Jokes]



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One liners

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.

Few women admit their age; few men act it.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

-- Joke submitted by greygoose   [Jokes]



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Insignificant thoughts

1. Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid?

2. I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.

3. To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?

4. Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle.

5. My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.

6. You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher.

7. If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.

8. The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Nude Roller Derby. Maybe we need Sumo Hockey.

9. There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.

10. One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

11. I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.

12. Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?

13. Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes?

14. Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?

15. I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.

-- Joke submitted by parshant   [Jokes]



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Miscellaneous thoughts

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese - think about this one.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I almost had a psychic boyfriend but he left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried snorting Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

-- Joke submitted by Keith Zheng   [Jokes]



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101 Excuses to Avoid a Date

Ever have some odd people ask you out? never know what to say? Here's some great excuses you can use...

I'd love to, but...

1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 The President said he might drop in.
5 The man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 It's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 There's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 My crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 My patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 The grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 My plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 It's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 My subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 The last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 None of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 There are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 My bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 You know how we psychos are.
78 My favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 My uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 Having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 My palm reader advised against it.
95 My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name].
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.

-- Joke submitted by Ryan Murphy   [Jokes]



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