Jokes

Posted on 24 June 2016


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - All drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer -- it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're from Scotland. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

-- Joke submitted by Nancy Cohran   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Paddy goes to the vet with his pet goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".

"Well sure," Paddy replies, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"

-- Joke submitted by Gotlib   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Bystanders are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.

The bystanders yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! They yank the blanket away ... the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the bystanders to the Redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The bystanders yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the bystanders yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Signs of the Times

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

On a maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

On a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

On a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a dry cleaner's emporium: "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

-- Joke submitted by Beener   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Jim strolls into the paint section of B&Q and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," he says.

"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"

"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."

"Well, you can't do that, Man!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"

"No, they won't," Jim replies.

"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten quid your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."

"You're on!" says Jim.

Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten pounds on the counter in front of the clerk.

"So the paint killed your bird?"

"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Relatives gathered for the reading of the Last Will And Testament after a long awaited death.

The lawyer opened the envelope, and read solemnly: "Being of sound mind and body, I spent every last cent before I died."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


There was a doctor who was the most respected in town. He wanted more time with his family, so he decided to clone himself to cut down on his work load. He was very successful. No one could tell that they were being examined by a clone and not the real doctor.

After a while, the clone became vulgar and he would tell his patients dirty jokes. The doctor realized all of this and decided that he needed to kill the clone to save his name. He took the clone to a cliff outside of town and pushed him off.

The next day, however, the police found out and arrested the doctor for making an OBSCENE CLONE FALL.

-- Joke submitted by Carl Poluchek   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5