Jokes

Posted on 24 May 2016


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

She burst into the office and shouted. "Doctor, I can't stand it! You've got to tell me what's wrong!"

He slowly surveyed her from head to toe and said, "Well, young lady, I do have three things to tell you."

"First, you need to lose about fifty pounds."

"Second, you'd look a lot better if you used about one-tenth the blush and lipstick."

"Third, I'm an artist. The doctor is on the next floor."

-- Joke submitted by Fiona   [Jokes]



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A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

-- Joke submitted by Katie Morris   [Jokes]



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A father took his young son to the opera for the first time. The conductor started waving the baton, and the soprano began her aria.

The boy watched everything intently and finally asked: "Why is he hitting her with his stick?"

"He's not hitting her," answered the father with a chuckle.

"Well, then," asked the boy, "why is she screaming?"

-- Joke submitted by hitcher   [Jokes]



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The teacher asked little Andy if he knew his numbers yet.

"Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me."

"Good, Andy. Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said.

"Three," replied Andy.

"Very good. What comes after five, Andy?" asked the teacher.

"Six," answered Andy.

"Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.

"A Jack!" replied Andy.

-- Joke submitted by Ted Milton   [Jokes]



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Waiter: Sir, my tips please.

Customer: Here you go, one cent.

Waiter: Sir, you are insulting me, please give me at least 2.

Customer: I can't insult you twice.

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have a damn good explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night!"

-- Joke submitted by Betsy Gross   [Jokes]



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Two guys are chatting in a pub and one says to the other, "How did you get those scars on your nose?"

"From glasses," said the other guy.

"You should try contact lenses."

"Don't be silly, they wouldn't hold much beer."

-- Joke submitted by hitcher   [Jokes]



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A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him. One day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

-- Joke submitted by Charles Hicks   [Jokes]



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