Jokes

Posted on 30 April 2016


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A man and woman got divorced after about three years. The woman decided to find another man. She went out and dated several men, but could not find one who satsifed her in bed. So she decided to try a woman. She went to different places and bars trying to find someone.

Then she met this woman. They talked and hit it off ok. So they went home and went to bed together. After they had finished having sex the woman said, "You know that wasn't all that good."

The other woman rolled over and said, "That's OK, sugar. You weren't any better when we were married."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents.

The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered her name and little Johnny waved frantically. The teacher taken by his enthusiasm called on him.

In a timid voice he said, "Miss Crunt?"

-- Joke submitted by k-rits   [Jokes]



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Q: What is six inches long with a head on it, that women like to blow?

A: Money.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses... they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..."

Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."

Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."

Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was to be direct about it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and said, "Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little f*ck?"

She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little f*ck!"

-- Joke submitted by giddera   [Jokes]



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After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

-- Joke submitted by orto   [Jokes]



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Things Not To Say During Sex

1. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

2. Do you smell something burning?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

5. Try breathing through your nose.

6. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

7. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

8. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

9. But whipped cream makes me break out.

10. Can you please pass me the remote control?

11. Do you accept Visa?

12. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

13. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

14. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

15. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

16. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

17. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

18. Do you get any premium movie channels?

19. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

20. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

22. Got any penicillin?

23. But I just brushed my teeth...

24. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

25. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

26. I want a baby!

27. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

28. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

29. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

30. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

31. I think you have it on backwards.

32. Is that blood on the headboard?

33. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

34. Did you come yet, dear?

35. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

36. You're good enough to do this for a living!

37. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

38. Sorry but I don't do toes!

39. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

40. Is this a sin too?

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm Fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

-- Joke submitted by ptp   [Jokes]



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