Jokes

Posted on 23 April 2014


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Ed was going to meet a friend at his office. He was trying to kick his habit of smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got into the elevator.

A woman looked at him angrily and said, "May I please remind you that smoking is prohibited in the lift."

Ed replied, "I ain't smoking lady."

The woman said, "But you have a cigar in your mouth."

Ed taunted, "I am wearing Jockey shorts too, but I ain't riding a horse."

-- Joke submitted by Ian Botler   [Jokes]



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A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is ‘yes’.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

-- Joke submitted by pilate   [Jokes]



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For weeks a six-year old boy kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

-- Joke submitted by Anna Tate   [Jokes]



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Amzanig Dcsriveoy

Aoccdrnig to a rsaeerch at a Birsith Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmotnat tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

-- Joke submitted by Gera   [Jokes]



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Taxes One-Liners

Ambition in America is still rewarded... with high taxes.

America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.

Americans are now in a daze from intaxication.

There was a time when $1000.00 was the down-payment on a car; now it's the sales tax.

If my business gets much worse, I won't have to lie on my next tax return.

Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get.

Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.

There is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.

Congress does some strange things - it puts a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

Congress has the unsolved problem of how to get the people to pay taxes they can't afford for services they don't need.

Every year around April 15 Americans have a rendezvous with debt.

The rich and the poor are alike - they both complain about taxes.

A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

Nothing makes a person more modest about their income than to fill out a tax form.

I hate junk mail... and that includes the tax forms they send me.

Income tax is Uncle Sam's version of "Truth or Consequences."

An income-tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

About the time a man is cured of swearing, another income tax is due.

-- Joke submitted by Danny Doplin   [Jokes]



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