Jokes

Posted on 30 August 2015


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

One Monday evening a tourist visits a brothel in Paris and, on leaving, is very surprised to be handed 5,000 Euros. The next evening he goes back and the same thing happens. He goes back on the third night, but doesn't get a single cent. Upset, he complains to the concierge.

The concierge says, "Why should we pay you? We don't film on Wednesdays."

-- Joke submitted by Marty   [Jokes]



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The Boss to a lady being interviewed for the post of a Secretary:

Boss: "What is the difference between a paper clip and a screw?"

Lady: "I don't know. I have never been paper clipped."

-- Joke submitted by green been   [Jokes]



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Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 7th kind of sex is called Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of fifty cents taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there.

He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch.

"Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?"

"As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"

-- Joke submitted by VickyLoo   [Jokes]



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One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on.

So he goes up to his grandpa and says, "Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?"

His grandpa replies, "Yes Jimmy, I do."

Jimmy then says, "Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?"

His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds, "Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt too long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea."

-- Joke submitted by VickyLoo   [Jokes]



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The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged. So they pressured the administration to set up a new department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.

The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos - after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."

-- Joke submitted by Sandra Mentrello   [Jokes]



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Not-so-elderly lady: Well, Doctor, I guess I've reached that awkward age.

Doctor: What do you mean?

Lady: Too young for Medicare, and too old for men to care!

-- Joke submitted by Elaine   [Jokes]



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15 Crazy Things to Do While Shopping

Got dragged to go shopping with your spouse? Some wonderfully creative things to do when you become utterly bored:

1. Take 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they are not looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to tampons section.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares..." and watch what happened.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.

6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell shoppers that you would invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Looked right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, pick your nose, and eat it.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait a while; then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

-- Joke submitted by Leo Russell   [Jokes]



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