Jokes

Posted on 31 October 2014


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you."

"The second hole? When in the world is he coming???"

"I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt ..."Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

-- Joke submitted by Barry   [Jokes]



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Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.

"One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."

-- Joke submitted by Genry Wilson   [Jokes]



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A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died."

"But you see I'm alive," smiled the friend.

"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."

-- Joke submitted by Mike Eaton   [Jokes]



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You Know You're Too Stressed If...

1. Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.

2. You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.

3. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

4. The Sun is too loud.

5. Trees begin chasing you.

6. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

7. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

8. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

9. You can hear mimes.

10, You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

11. Things becomes "Very Clear".

12. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

13. The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

14. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.

15. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

16. You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.

17. Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

18. David Lynch comes up to you and says: "Hey! Can I film you?"

19. You and Reality file for divorce.

20. You can skip without a rope.

21. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

22. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before..

23. You can travel without moving.

24. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

25. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

26. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.

27. Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.

28. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.

29. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before...

-- Joke submitted by Greg Pyatt   [Jokes]



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Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up on time, but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were supposed to meet...

1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?"
2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire..."
1st lawyer: "A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?"
2nd lawyer: "No, the kid had it under his coat..."

-- Joke submitted by law-n-don   [Jokes]



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