Jokes

Posted on 30 September 2016


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat, and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat between them.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why it was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent, and that the dog was a "drug-sniffing dog."

He went on, "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it leveled out, the agent said "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "Good boy!", turned to t he man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat, and placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and pooped all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that. He asked the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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A man comes home from his golf game, and his wife asks if he had a good time.

"No," he said. "In fact, it was the worst day of my life! Harry dropped dead of a heart attack on the 9th hole!"

Sympathetic, his wife says, "Oh, poor Harry! And that must have been awful for you!"

The golfer replies, "You're telling me! For the whole back nine, it was 'Hit the ball, drag Harry; Hit the ball, drag Harry...'"

-- Joke submitted by John Malone   [Jokes]



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A Prisoner Got Sick Of diabetes and they took him to hospital then 3 hour's later he came back without leg, the guard saw him and feel sad, and after 3 month they took the prisoner back to hospital and he came back without hand while the guard saw this again and said to his friend, "Dude this prisoner is escaping us deliberately."

-- Joke submitted by Yaro Ka   [Jokes]



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Signs you're in a bad hospital

1. You go in for routine surgery, you come out with a tail.

2. You recognize your doctor as kid who was mopping the lobby when you checked in.

3. Instead of sponge bath, they send St. Bernard to lick you.

4. As you're going under, your surgeon says, "Man, am I tired!"

5. In the operating room, you see a surgeon holding a sign that says, "WILL DO SURGERY FOR FOOD!"

6. Every couple of minutes, you hear a bugle playing Taps.

7. All the diplomas on the wall are signed by Sally Struthers.

8. You and your roommate have to take turns on the I.V.

9. Through fog of anesthesia, you hear surgeon shouting, "Bring the damn Scotch tape! And plenty of it!"

10. Instead of "patient," they use the term "plaintiff."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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"Is it true that you smoke eight to ten cigars a day?"

"That's true."

"Is it true that you drink five martinis a day?"

"That's true."

"Is it true that you still surround yourself with beautiful women?"

"That's true."

"What does your doctor say about all of this?"

"My doctor is dead."

-- Joke submitted by Ken   [Jokes]



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A blonde hurried into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor, "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First, I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these; I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened; I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So, then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

-- Joke submitted by DC   [Jokes]



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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

-- Joke submitted by VickyLoo   [Jokes]



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There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks. He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk. The cat starts to stumble home, and when he came to the train tracks, he didn't notice a train coming down the tracks.

As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned his head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated.

The moral of the story - don't lose your head over a piece of tail!

-- Joke submitted by konsta.tutta   [Jokes]



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