Jokes

Posted on 6 December 2016


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.

"Can you imagine, a people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"

When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast."

-- Joke submitted by Lana Gora   [Jokes]



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Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?

Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

-- Joke submitted by Glen Sote   [Jokes]



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NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

-- Joke submitted by Joseph Bilta   [Jokes]



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When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought regular or premium gas, but she couldn't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the engine running so rough."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband.

"It cost the same as always," said the wife. "I bought the usual twenty dollars worth."

-- Joke submitted by John Malone   [Jokes]



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An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

-- Joke submitted by Pilate   [Jokes]



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Poodle: "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."

Collie: "Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?"

Poodle: "I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch."

-- Joke submitted by Lana Borda   [Jokes]



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How to Have Fun at a Boring Party

1. Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.

2. Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.

3. When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings - make sure to use your hands!

4. Ask the host, "Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?"

5. Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!

6. Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.

7. Cough all over guests, then exclaim, "Doctor says a few more years and I'll be cured..."

8. Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.

9. Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works okay, too).

10. If there is music, mix up your dancing: break dance to classical, symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.

11. If you find your former dancing partner dancing with someone else, burst into tears, wailing, "I thought you loved me!" and run from the room.

12. Tell a middle-aged wife, "Your husband seems very happy with that girl in the closet..."

13. Tell a middle aged man, "Your wife seems very happy with that boy in the closet..."

14. Whisper to the guest on your right, "What kind of lame moron actually goes to these parties, anyway?"

15. Bring Lego warships and fighter jets. Wage a war in the middle of the room. Urge other guests to get involved. If you are a historical expert, reenact the revolutionary war, the civil war, world war two, etc.

16. Bring a soccer ball, basketball, football, or baseball. Start a game... in the kitchen.

17. Karate chop everywhere and everything. Yell really, really loud. A few sudden kicks would be worthwhile as well.

18. Wear wool or feathers and sneeze all night. "The doctor says I'm not allergic to anything except sheep and birds..."

19. If someone says the word no to you, say, "How dare you turn down the prince/princess of Ugranialo!"

20. Burst into the room an hour late, sopping wet and screaming, "I've done it! I've found Atlantis!"

21. Pick out the oldest women at the party, run up to her, and exclaim, "Grandmother! it's me, Anastasia!"

22. If it is a summer party in the evening, break into a duet with another guest: "Summer nights". Persuade the host to sing "You're the one that I want," with you.

23. Come in saying, the guy outside in the lab coat is looking for (insert name of host).

-- Joke submitted by Jasmine Voss   [Jokes]



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An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.

Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.

"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"

The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."

-- Joke submitted by Kate Mula   [Jokes]



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