Jokes

Posted on 25 October 2014


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A young girl comes home to her mother's house and informs her that she is engaged to be married. She says, "Mother, he's wonderful. He's rich beyond our wildest dreams. He has homes in the south of France, Beverly Hills, New York, and about a dozen other cities. He has a 200 ft yacht, Ferraris, Rolls Royces, and a jet airplane. There is only one problem... he says he really likes buggery, and I know how you feel about that."

The mother says, "Well I don't know dear. I'm only thinking of your happiness. I'm not sure a man like this will make you happy."

The daughter replies, "Yes but if I marry him, you will never want for another thing as long as you live."

The mother considers this and finally agrees to allow them to marry.

They are married shortly thereafter and go off to their honeymoon. During their honeymoon the mother receives a new house, a new car, and a sizeable pension every month from her new son-in-law.

Six months later the daughter returns from her honeymoon and she is mad as hell. She fumes, kicks furniture and swears she wants a divorce. Her mother asks her why she is so angry.

"Mother, I want a divorce. The man is an animal. All he ever wants is buggery. All day, every day. It's constant. Mother do you know that before I was married, my sphincter was the size of a penny, and now it's as big as a two pound coin!"

The mother considers this for a minute and says, "I think you should reconsider dear. Do you really want me to give all this up for a measly 1.99p?"

-- Joke submitted by DonS   [Jokes]



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There was an naughty lecturer who started every class with a dirty joke.
After one particularly nasty joke, the girls in the class decided to walk out the next time he started those dirty jokes.

The lecturer heard about their plan, so the next morning he walked in and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of prostitutes in China?"

With that, all the girls stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the lecturer. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

-- Joke submitted by Ch-Ch-Cheese   [Jokes]



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Ruby, who lived in a nursing home, was confined to a wheelchair although she was otherwise physically strong and active. She was, however, two sandwiches short of a full picnic.

Every night, when most of her fellow residents had retired to their rooms for the night, she would whizz around the nursing home in her electric wheelchair, making car noises.

"Brrrm... brrrm..." she was driving her car along a corridor, making squealing-tyre noises as she took a turn far too fast.

"Beep, beep!" she would shout, waking up anyone who had actually managed to fall asleep. Some of the residents were annoyed, but most of them had got used to Ruby's driving antics and were amused by them, some joined in.

As she hurtled round a corner one night, Colin stepped out and raised his hand: "Stop!"

She stopped.

"May I see your driving licence, please, madam?"

Ruby delved in her bag and produced a small diary which she handed to him: "Here you are, officer."

Colin took the diary, flicked through it and handed it back, and off she drove, just as Doris stepped up to her saying, "You can't park here, madam."

As she drove down the next corridor, Phil came out of his room and called, "Stop!"

He leaned down to her as she came to a halt. "Your left-hand headlight seems faulty, madam. Did you know this?"

"Oh no, officer, the lights were working perfectly when I set off."

"Well, may I see the vehicle's documentation?"

Ruby dug in her bag once again, and this time produced a sheaf of old medication notes, which she handed to Phil. He made a play of examining the papers, handed them back and sent her on her way.

She was just approaching Eddie's door when it flew open and he stepped out in front of her, stark naked and in an all too obvious state of arousal. "Stop!" he cried.

"Oh no," said Ruby, looking at what was in front of her, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Dear Mr. Jones:

We noticed you've not picked up any condoms at SpiffyMart recently. (Your last purchase was 8 weeks ago.) Further, you have stopped buying feminine hygiene products, but have sharply increased your frozen pizza and dinners usage in the same time frame.

It's clear that Ms. Jody Sanders has dumped you. (It's probably for the best - we knew she was a loser from that cheap shampoo she buys.) We confirmed this with the Post Office database -- yep, she filed a change of address.

We at Horny International offer our condolences. As the number-one vender of hot X-rated videos, we'd like to help you out in this time of stress. If you're feeling lonely, check out our catalog of DVDs.

Order now and we throw in an extra DVD free!

Yours Truly,
Sleazy Jerk, Marketing Manager.

-- Joke submitted by Green burger   [Jokes]



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There were two little crabs who met in Florida every year. One year when they arrived, one little crab was shivering terribly. The other crab asked why and he said, "I got a ride here on a man's mustache. He drove so fast, I was freezing."

"Well," the other crab said, "why don't you hide up a lady's skirt next year. Then you won't be as cold."

The little crab said, "Hey, that isn't a bad idea."

A year later, the two crabs met at the same place, and the one little crab was shivering very badly again. The other crab asked if he had taken his advice and he said, "Yeah, I went and hid up a lady's skirt, but when I woke up in the morning I was on that's guy's mustache again!"

-- Joke submitted by binnet   [Jokes]



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