Jokes

Posted on 18 January 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

"But I don't have the fingers!"

"Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor.

"Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

-- Joke submitted by bcseeap   [Jokes]



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Old academics never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Old accounts never die, they are deleted.

Old anthropologists never die, they just become history.

Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

Old astronauts never die, they just go to another world.

Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

Old baseball players never die, they just go batty.

-- Joke submitted by Lara Koch   [Jokes]



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A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.

He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard", and scratches out his spelling error.

"Head on bouelevard". Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.

"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.

He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

-- Joke submitted by razer22   [Jokes]



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Drink fault-finding guide

A solution to all of your drinking troubles.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.

-- Joke submitted by green been   [Jokes]



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In the doctors office two patients are talking: "You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in me by mistake."

"A sponge!" exclaims the other, "And do you feel much pain?"

"No pain at all", says the first, "but do I get thirsty!"

-- Joke submitted by Zamember   [Jokes]



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Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller?

When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet."

-- Joke submitted by Gotlib   [Jokes]



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You Know You're Too Stressed If...

1. Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.

2. You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.

3. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

4. The Sun is too loud.

5. Trees begin chasing you.

6. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

7. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

8. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

9. You can hear mimes.

10, You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

11. Things becomes "Very Clear".

12. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

13. The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

14. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.

15. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

16. You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.

17. Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

18. David Lynch comes up to you and says: "Hey! Can I film you?"

19. You and Reality file for divorce.

20. You can skip without a rope.

21. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

22. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before..

23. You can travel without moving.

24. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

25. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

26. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.

27. Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.

28. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.

29. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before...

-- Joke submitted by Greg Pyatt   [Jokes]



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Put More Stress Into Your Life!

1. Refuse to take action on nagging problems. Procrastinate, brood, and if possible, lose some sleep over them.

2. Make a concerted effort to take note of irritations in your life and blow them out of proportion.

3. Consider the power of negative thinking.

4. Hide your sense of humor. Erase the words smile, joke, and laugh from your vocabulary; concentrate on frowning.

5. If you've been working a 60 hour week, try 65 or 70 or 75! Spending more time at work will give you less time to consider how stressed you are.

6. Consume vast quantities of caffeine. As a stimulant it will ensure that you are awake day and night.

7. Practice the art of "hurry up and wait". This means dashing off to join a line-up somewhere - like the bank, cinema, or ticket outlet.

8. Make sure you drive no further than two feet from the car in front.

9. To relieve boredom while waiting for traffic lights, pretend you are on the starting grid for the Indy 500.

10. Never read a book or listen to music.

11. Play "Hide and Seek" by concealing important documents from yourself.

12. Delegate nagging problems. You've proved that you can't deal with them.

13. Tell yourself that your abilities are unlimited. Do not waver from this conviction until you are fired for lack of competence.

14. Giggle nervously. It will make other people nervous, meetings will be unproductive and you won't come away with a long list of things to do.

15. Find a disagreeable tennis partner. Perhaps your spouse.

16. When feeling stressful, breathe deeply and hyperventilate until you pass out.

17. Take up gardening. Nothing can be more stressful if you don't like it.

18. When things are going badly, knock your head against the wall. The resulting headache will supersede the original problem.

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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