Jokes

Posted on 24 July 2014


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

As a newlywed pair opened their wedding gifts, they admired them with enthusiasm.

The groom said, "We can really use these towels!"

The bride said, "We'll love dining off these dishes!"

Then they unwrapped a vacuum cleaner and bride teased, "Look what you got, honey!"

-- Joke submitted by Betsy   [Jokes]



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Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.

"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."

Mr. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."

-- Joke submitted by Richard Ogden   [Jokes]



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Laws of life

1. Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

2. Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

3. Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

4. Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

5. Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

6. Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

7. Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

8. Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

9. Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)

10. Doctors' Law:
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

-- Joke submitted by Ann Trelawney   [Jokes]



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The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave.

The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.

"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

-- Joke submitted by nannotorn   [Jokes]



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The owner of a small crossroads store in South Carolina was appointed postmaster. Over six months went by and not one piece of mail left town. Deeply concerned, postal authorities in Washington wrote the postmaster to inquire why.

They received this short and simple explanation: "The bag ain't full yet."

-- Joke submitted by Emily Garcia   [Jokes]



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