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Jokes

Posted on 5 September 2010


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A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

-- Joke submitted by Kenny Fleming   [Jokes]



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A mother and her son were flying Easy Jet from Luton to Tenerife. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had.

So she said, "Tell your mother that Easy Jet always pulls out on time."

-- Joke submitted by SweetLime   [Jokes]



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Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."

"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.

Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!"

"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!"

"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It was identical!"

"You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture men's garments!"

-- Joke submitted by MrGold   [Jokes]



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Raman: Narain, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

Narayan: Oh!

Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

Narayan: No.

Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

Narayan: No.

Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?

Raman: No.

Narayan: He's the guy who's screwing your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous



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A young girl comes home to her mother's house and informs her that she is engaged to be married. She says, "Mother, he's wonderful. He's rich beyond our wildest dreams. He has homes in the south of France, Beverly Hills, New York, and about a dozen other cities. He has a 200 ft yacht, Ferraris, Rolls Royces, and a jet airplane. There is only one problem....he says he really likes buggery, and I know how you feel about that"

The mother says, "Well I don't know dear. I'm only thinking of your happiness. I'm not sure a man like this will make you happy".

The daughter replies, "Yes but if I marry him, you will never want for another thing as long as you live."

The mother considers this and finally agrees to allow them to marry.

They are married shortly thereafter and go off to their honeymoon. During their honeymoon the mother receives a new house, a new car, and a sizeable pension every month from her new son-in-law.

Six months later the daughter returns from her honeymoon and she is mad as hell. She fumes, kicks furniture and swears she wants a divorce. Her mother asks her why she is so angry.

"Mother, I want a divorce. The man is an animal. All he ever wants is buggery. All day, every day. It's constant. Mother do you know that before I was married, my sphincter was the size of a penny, and now it's as big as a two pound coin!"

The mother considers this for a minute and says, "I think you should reconsider dear. Do you really want me to give all this up for a measly £1.99p?"

-- Joke submitted by DonS   [Jokes]



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