Jokes

Posted on 18 January 2022


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient.

"I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid."

"The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."

-- Joke submitted by Joe Perry   [Jokes]



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Three immigrants to the U. S. were just mastering the language. One was telling the others about the difficulty they were having in attempting to start a family. He said, "I think my wife must be impregnable."

The second said," that's not the right word, she is inconceivable".

To which the third replied, "You are both wrong she is unbearable."

-- Joke submitted by Zamember   [Jokes]



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Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is pi?"

The engineer said: "It is approximately 3 and 1/7?"

The physicist said: "It is 3.14159?"

The mathematician thought a bit, and replied: "It is equal to pi".

A nutritionist: "Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!"

-- Joke submitted by Lspel   [Jokes]



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A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.

"What do you do?"

The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' seems appropriate though."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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You've been programming too long when...

1. When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5...".

2. When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 32 or 64 bits.

3. When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

4. When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

5. When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

6. When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

7. When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

8. When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.

9. When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

10. When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Fun Ways to Order Fast Food

1. Order a cheeseburger with no cheese.

2. Ask if they would like to buy some soap.

3. Sing "I think your tractor's sexy".

4. If you're in a drive-through, say, "Man, I think you're ugly."

5. Keep changing your order for over an hour.

6. When you pull up to the window, try to make it look like your window won't go down.

7. Ask how much it would be to be in the restaurant while in the drive through.

8. Have a Chinese accent and order a soda but not a certain kind and say, "No, no Dr. Pepper he no certified doctor."

9. In the drive through say, "I'm holding Ronald McDonald hostage. For his release I want 3 big macs and a sonic toy."

10. If you're at a life insurance place, order a big mac.

-- Joke submitted by Alex Buldakov   [Jokes]



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