Jokes

Posted on 13 January 2022


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm so glad that you feel this way. My mother moves in with us tomorrow."

-- Joke submitted by Eva Carter   [Jokes]



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Fay is sitting at a hotel bar waiting for her husband to arrive when a man approaches her.

"Hi, honey," he says. "Want a little company?"

"Why?" asks Fay, "do you have one to sell?"

-- Joke submitted by xtofer   [Jokes]



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A group of elementary school students were on a field trip to the local police station. Several of the children were fascinated by the wanted posters on the wall.

Little Billy raised his hand and asked the police officer giving them the tour who the people on the wall were.

"Those are pictures of criminals we are looking for," answered the policeman. "We call those wanted posters."

Little Billy looked puzzled. His hand shot back up into the air. "Well," he wondered, "why didn't you just keep them when you took their pictures?"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Little Billy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Billy. "Giving up?"

-- Joke submitted by Zoe Gowars   [Jokes]



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Terrible Truths

Rudy's First Rule on Holes: When you find yourself in a hole stop digging.

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

Van Roy's Law: Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.

Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.

Agnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.

Clarke's Conclusion: Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.

Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Johnny Carson's Observation: The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

Golub's Laws of Project Execution:
a) Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
b) A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
c) The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time.
d) Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

The Phone Booth Rule: A lone quarter always gets the number nearly right.

Thornton's N-1 Rule: When attempting to recall a memorized list of N items, you will remember only N-1 items.

Corollary to Thornton's N-1 Rule: If you attempt to recall the same list ten minutes later, the missing item will be different.

Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Zall's Laws:
1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong.
2) How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

Ettore's Observation: The other line moves faster.

McPhearson's Observation: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Pudder's Laws:
a) Anything that begins well ends badly.
b) Anything that begins badly ends worse.

Cann's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.

Macaluso's Doctrine: You've never been as sick as just before you stop breathing.

Troutman's Postulate for Computer Programming:
- Profanity is the one language understood by all programmers.
- Not until a program has been in production for six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
- Job control instructions that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be.
- Interchangeable routines won't.
- If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
- If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.

Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.

The Law of Selective Gravity, or the Buttered-Side Down Law: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Stale's Law: No matter how careful one is in resealing the inner liner in a cereal box, it will tear where it is glued to the box.

Rubitusky's Law: Any inanimate object, regardless of its position, configuration or purpose, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner
for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious.

William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

Westheimer's Rule To estimate the time it takes to do a task:
Estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus, we allocate two days for a one hour task.

Brooke's Law: Adding manpower to a late project makes it later.
Also known as the Nine Pregnant Women will not get you a baby in One Month Law.

Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it will only make it worse.

Featherkile's Explanation: Whatever you did, that's what you planned.

-- Joke submitted by Gomer   [Jokes]



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Thoughts To Ponder

1. When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

2. Why people are so scared of mice,which are much smaller than us, when no one seems to be scared of Micky Mouse, who is bigger than us?

3. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?

4. Why are plastic bears the only animal you can get honey from? Why can't you get honey from a plastic bee?

5. Can bald men get lice?

6. How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?

7. Do butterflies remember life as a caterpillar?

8. If you undergo chemotherapy do you lose your public hairs?

9. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

10. Does the postman deliver his own mail?

11. Why does toilet bowl cleaner only come in the color blue?

12. What happens when you put hand sanitizer on a place other then your hand?

13. Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?

14. Can you "stare off into space" when you're in space?

15. Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?

16. Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?

17. If prunes are dehydrated plums, where does prune juice come from?

18. Is it appropriate to say "good mourning" at a funeral?

19. If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?

20. When you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?

21. Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?

22. Who coined the phrase, 'coined the phrase?'

23. If there were a thousand seaguls in an airplane while its flying, each weighing two pounds a piece, but they were all flying in the airplane, would the airplane weigh 2000 pounds more?

24. If you soak a raisin in water, does it turn back into a grape?

25. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

26. Why do they call steam rollers, steam rollers? They don't produce, get rid of, or have anything to do with steam?

27. What is another word for "thesaurus"?

28. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

29. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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