Jokes

Posted on 14 October 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh," said the presenter. "This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks," said Paddy.

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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Ways to Confuse Santa

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in your house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled."

While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'd mind adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him move until the commercials come on.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A little girl from the city, seeing a horse being shod, rushed to her mother.

"Mother," she cried, "there's a man out there building a horse. I just saw him nailing on the feet!"

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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The Sunday-school teacher examined his new class.

"Who made the world?" he demanded. Nobody seemed to know. He repeated the question somewhat sternly. As the silence persisted, he frowned and spoke with increased severity:

"Children, I must know who made the world!"

Then, at last, a small boy piped up in much agitation:

"Oh, sir, please, sir, it wasn't me!"

-- Joke submitted by Lara Koch   [Jokes]



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15 Ways to be Annoying

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.

2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.

3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person."

4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!"

5) When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.

6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time."

7) Beep when a large person backs up.

8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men."

9) Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"

10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.

11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.

12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.

13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.

14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.

15) Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Rules for Being Human

1. You will receive a body.

You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons.

You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.

Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".

4. A lesson is repeated until learned.

A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end.

There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than "here".

When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better than "here."

7. Others are merely mirrors of you.

You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you.

You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie inside you.

The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

-- Joke submitted by Tom Darnell   [Jokes]



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