Jokes

Posted on 23 May 2022


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

"Gave me a longer cane."

-- Joke submitted by Pete Kelly   [Jokes]



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Two skunks, one named In and one named Out, wanted to go and play. Their parents told them they could, but an hour later only Out came back.

"Hasn't In come in?" asked Father Skunk.

"Out went out with In but only Out came back in," said Mother Skunk.

"Well, Out," said Father, "you better go out and find In and bring her in."

So Out did. A few minutes later he returned with his wayward sister.

"How did you find her?" asked Mother.

Out smiled. "Instincts."

-- Joke submitted by BEE   [Jokes]



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One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class. First up was Private O'Hara. The colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105-mm howitzer. "Two-nine-oh-seven, sir," was the reply.

"Soldier," said the colonel, "don't you know you never say 'oh' in the artillery? You say 'zero.' What's your name, soldier?"

"Zero Hara, sir," answered the private.

-- Joke submitted by Harry Berryman   [Jokes]



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Why Aren't You Married Yet?

1. You haven't asked yet.

2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

3. Because I just love hearing this question.

4. Just lucky, I guess.

5. It gives my mother something to live for.

6. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.

7. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

8. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

9. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

10. It didn't seem worth a blood test.

11. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

12. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

13. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

14. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

15. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

16. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

17. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

18. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

19. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

20. Why aren't you thin?

21. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

-- Joke submitted by Botling   [Jokes]



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Business one-liners

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is dead.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

-- Joke submitted by treater   [Jokes]



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You've been programming too long when...

1. When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

2. When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

3. When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

4. When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

5. When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

6. When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

7. When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

8. When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

9. When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

10. When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

-- Joke submitted by springforever   [Jokes]



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