Jokes

Posted on 26 November 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.

"Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.

"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten years in prison."

-- Joke submitted by Rob Mara   [Jokes]



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Two junior doctors were involved in a fight in the hospital. A senior consultant had to pull them apart.

"What's all this about?" asked the consultant angrily.

"It's the Tax Inspector in C ward," said one. "He's only got 2 days to live."

"He had to be told," said the second doctor.

"I know," said the first, "but I wanted to be the one to tell him!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A blonde and a brunette were about to jump off a building. Who hit the ground first?

The brunette because the blonde had to ask for directions.

-- Joke submitted by Daniel Evans   [Jokes]



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A radish and an onion were driving down the street in a small car and were involved in a terrible accident.

The radish wakes up in the hospital and asks, "What happened, where am I, and where is my good friend the Onion?"

The doctor says, "You were in a terrible accident and you are in the hospital. I have good news and bad news about your friend the Onion: the good news is your Onion friend is perfectly all right, ...the bad news is he is going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."

-- Joke submitted by Hammerbold   [Jokes]



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50 Fun Things to do in a Final

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a bad case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc...).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget it!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour).

26. For each question pick a classmate to yell at. Yell things like, "Ed, you said there was no way he'd put this question on the test. See if I ever study with you again."

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. duh!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so."

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Stinks."

-- Joke submitted by Lulu   [Jokes]



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Taxes One-Liners

Trying to curb inflation by raising taxes is like giving a drunk another drink to sober him up.

If you think you can keep everything to yourself... the IRS doesn't.

If the IRS gave green stamps, thousands of Americans would look forward to paying their income tax.

Behind every successful man stands a woman and the IRS. One takes the credit, and the other takes the cash.

A lot of people still have the first dollar they ever made - Uncle Sam has all the others.

A harp is a piano after taxes.

We need to change our National Anthem to "Deep in the Heart of Taxes."

A good name is to be chosen over great riches. It's tax free!... so far.

No respectable person is in favor of nudity, but after paying taxes, some of us may not have any other choice.

What this country needs most is a SPCTT - The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Taxpayers.

Patriotism will probably never develop to the point of parading in honor of the "unknown taxpayer."

A dyed~in-the-wool patriot is one who says he's sorry he has only one income to give to his country.

The real patriot is a person who saves enough of his salary each week to pay his income tax.

A politician is a man who never met a tax he didn't try to hike.

Wouldn't it be grand if politicians would fight poverty with something besides taxes?

After all is said and done, the politicians say it and the taxpayers do it.

It is reported that the politicians in Washington are thinking of abolishing the income tax and taking the income.

Regardless of who wins the election they have to raise taxes to pay for the damage.

If our President wants to abolish poverty, he can do it by abolishing the IRS.

Poverty is what you experience the day after you pay your income tax.

-- Joke submitted by Danny Doplin   [Jokes]



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