Jokes

Posted on 15 October 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of Heart Disease.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Again Judy remarried, and this time she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"

Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel."

-- Joke submitted by Funnylady1956   [Jokes]



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A high school student is in the counselor's office. "So tell me, what things interest you?"

"I'd like to cut people open and run my fingers through their liver and heart!"

The counselor chuckle and after a long pause says, "Well, I guess that means you'll either be a surgeon or psychotic killer. Tell me more about yourself."

The student paused for a minute and said, "Well, to start with, I'm never wrong. Other people adore me and do exactly as I say, or if they don't, they should."

The counselor smiles and says, "Surgeon it is!"

-- Joke submitted by Matt Tapia   [Jokes]



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This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Have you seen Eileen?"

The guy is rather confused and asked "Eileen who?"

The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."

Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.

So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.

The bartender then told him, "You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt.

So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.

And the Bartender said, "Yep, he just went out the door with Eileen."

The guy asks, "Eileen who?"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,
The Cat

-- Joke submitted by Adam Leshnower   [Jokes]



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The Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans:

1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!
12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.
15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
16. Bring a bathing suit.
17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.
20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

-- Joke submitted by Monica Finch   [Jokes]



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The signs of "Advanced Momhood"

Maybe it starts when you realize rock concerts give you a headache. Or that you're offering to cut up other people's food. Or you catch yourself ending a discussion with, "Because I'm the Mother, that's why!" You've reached a new level of motherhood. All the warning signs are there. You know you've crossed the threshold into advanced "Mommydom" when:

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

2. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

4. Your child throws up and you catch it.

5. Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.

6. You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

7. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon A. Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Terminal, and you do it.

8. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

9. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

10. You hate the thought of his wife even more.

11. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

12. You become a member of three aquariums because your kid loves sharks.

13. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.

14. You can't bear to give away baby clothes...it's so final.

15. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"

16. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

17. You lose sleep.

18. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

19. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."

20. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.

21. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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