Jokes

Posted on 4 July 2022


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

-- Joke submitted by Caleostro   [Jokes]



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Teacher: How can we get some clean water?

Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.

-- Joke submitted by Paon Rees   [Jokes]



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Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.

"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."

"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"

-- Joke submitted by Freda Lang   [Jokes]



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Witch Doctor (to sick native): Drink this potion of ground bat wing, lizard tail, alligator scale and hawk feathers.

Sick Native: I drank that yesterday and it didn't work.

Witch Doctor: Okay, take two aspirins and call me in the morning.

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

-- Joke submitted by Wayne Gole   [Jokes]



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You Know You Are a Dog Person When...

1. You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.

2. Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.

3. You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.

4. The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.

5. You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.

6. You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.

7. You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kids.

8. You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.

9. You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.

11. You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.

12. Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.

13. You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.

14. You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.

15. You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor...)

16. Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.

17. You shovel a zigzag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all her favorite spots.

18. You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

19. You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.

20. You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.

21. You jewelry box contains no jewels... just those fasteners from vari-kennels.

22. Every time you read the name Bob, you think the guy's first name is Best of Breed.

23. Your house isn't carpeted the fuzzy furballs under your feet are soft enough ...

24. Your hungry hubby comes home from work, lifts the cover of the pan on the stove and says, "Is this people food or dog food?"

25. At your dinner parties, you always double check the butter before putting it on the table.

26. You put important papers in the latest issue of your breed magazine ... you know you will find them there.

27. You have dog hair stuck to the tape on wrapped gifts.

28. You show up at the car dealers with a ruler, to measure and see if your big dog crate will fit. Before the actual purchase you make the dealer cringe by insisting that you load both crates and dog into the shiny, new vehicle to make sure it works!

29. You remove all the seats from the van except the two in the front so you have room for crates...

30. You cringe at the price of food in the grocery store but think nothing of the cost of dog food or treats.

31. When you get your latest roll of film and there isn't a single picture of a two-legged person in it...

-- Joke submitted by go-shan   [Jokes]



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