Jokes

Posted on 25 November 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Tom and Jim go into business together. Tom has the money and Jim has the brains. The night before a huge meeting Jim has a heart attack and dies. Without Jim, the business is sunk. In a state of panic, Tom goes to a fortune teller for help.

Tom enters the dimly lit room and sits down across the table from the fortune teller. There is a sign on the wall with 3 prices... 25, 50 and 75 pounds.

He asks, "What do I get for 25?"

"You can speak to the dead," replies the fortune teller.

"That's no good. What about 50?"

"For 50 you speak to your friend and he will reply."

"That's it! That's exactly what I need!" exclaimed Tom. "Just curious, what does 75 quid get you?"

"For 75, you speak to your friend and he will reply."

"That's the same thing," said Tom.

"Yes," the fortune teller answered, "But this time, he will answer while I drink a glass of water."

-- Joke submitted by Ian Burrey   [Jokes]



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"Darn!" the man said to his friend while weighing himself at the local drug store scale, "I started on a new diet but the scale says I'm heavier than I was before."

Turning to his friend, he said, "Here, hold my jacket."

The scale still indicated that he had not lost any weight.

"OK," he said to his friend. "Hold my Twinkies."

-- Joke submitted by Eric Trevor   [Jokes]



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A man consulted a foot doctor, who advised him to put on a clean pair of socks each day for a week and then come back. The man returned walking awkwardly.

"Where are your shoes?" the doctor asked.

Complained the man, "I just couldn't get them on over all these socks."

-- Joke submitted by Drew   [Jokes]



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Signs Found In The Kitchen

1. So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
2. Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
3. I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
4. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
5. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
6. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
7. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
8. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
9. If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.
10. Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse.
11. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
12. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
13. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
14. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
15. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
16. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
17. My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
18. I'd live life in the fast lane, but I a married to a speed bump.
19. Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.
20. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

-- Joke submitted by Nancy Cohran   [Jokes]



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50 Rules for men for successful relationships with women

1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules- No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is not an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you are not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on wrestling.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call... and call again.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you are sitting on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything else out.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Seasoned Greetings


saltpepper marjoram cilantro
sarsaparilla bay leaves coriander!
garlicsalt allspice curry cinnamon
rosemary fennel parsley turmeric
dillweed ginger anise pepper
tarragon chives nutmeg
angelica garlic cloves
parsleysagerosemarythyme mustard zest
basiloreganocuminpaprika capers dill
marjoram hoisin relish Na
shallots pickle garlic Cl
woodruff cloves sesame
mushroom onions morels
peppermint jalapeno tarragon mace
butterscotch lime juice red pepper garlic
celeryseed cinnamon allspice sage


-- Joke submitted by Lamparnass   [Jokes]



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