Jokes

Posted on 5 July 2022


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A heavily bandaged man was sitting up in bed at the hospital when his friend came to visit. "What happened to you?" the friend asked.

"Well, we went to the amusement park and decided to ride the roller coaster. As we came to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I went around again, but we went by so quickly that I still couldn't see what the sign said. By now I was determined, so I went around a third time. As we reached the top I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked his friend.

"Yeah... The sign said 'Remain seated at all times!'"

-- Joke submitted by KP-KY   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?

Student: The wrong answer.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ___."

Bill was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bill. "Bill, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bill. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bill. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

-- Joke submitted by Bill Glbreen   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary for the town's oldest practicing lawyer. The lawyer called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a retraction.

The next day, the following notice appeared: "We regret that the report of Attorney Smith's death was in error."

-- Joke submitted by MrGold   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A pet can be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's important to choose one that's right for your family. Here are some tips for making a winning choice:

1. Pets eventually grow old and die, causing your children great emotional trauma. Be sure to only choose pets which will outlive them, such as the giant Pacific sea tortoise.

2. Be sure to check for the appropriate number of limbs before you get your new pet home.

3. Pets soiling the rug in your house will only be a problem if they are given food and water.

4. Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the same cruelty and neglect you do your children.

5. Though most experts advocate spaying or neutering your pet, it's expensive, it's a big hassle, and it screws with your pet's mind. To hell with spaying and neutering.

6. Don't choose a pet that is larger than your family can handle, unless you have plenty of room to store the leftovers.

7. Only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat in hand-to-hand struggle, in case of food-chain-hierarchy disputes.

8. For a fun and low-maintenance pet, consider a "jar cat." Place a kitten in a 16-ounce jar and seal the lid. Your new pet won't get any bigger and will never run away or get into fights.

9. Before letting your children play with their brand-new pet, remove potentially dangerous teeth and claws with a handheld rotating saw.

10. For those parents concerned about the added expense a pet brings, remember: many pets and children may be fed to one another.

11. Pet ownership is a great way to teach children about the entire cycle of life, from the miracle of birth to the inevitability of death. An efficient parent can teach these important lessons in about three hours.

12. Remind your children that pet ownership is a privilege they earn through good behavior. If they do not live up to this responsibility, take the pet away by sacrificing it in an elaborate ceremony involving candles, knives, readings from the Book Of Numbers, and the ritual consumption of the pet's roasted corpse.

13. Remember, pets need regular food, exercise, love and attention. You probably should not be allowed to own one.

-- Joke submitted by Olenka Krol   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

-- Joke submitted by Dalida   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5