Jokes

Posted on 14 January 2022


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did!"

-- Joke submitted by Heather Fraser   [Jokes]



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After the examination the physician handed the patient a prescription and said, "Take this medicine after each meal."

"But, Doc," confessed the patient, "I have not eaten in four days."

"Fine," said the doctor. "The medicine will last longer."

-- Joke submitted by Zamember   [Jokes]



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A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.

The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"

-- Joke submitted by Ryan Moore   [Jokes]



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Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room.

Paddy jumped forward, and screamed, "That's her! That's her! I'd recognize her anywhere!"

-- Joke submitted by gerber   [Jokes]



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Ways To Stay Stressed

Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

1. Never exercise. Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.

2. Eat anything you want. Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to.

3. Gain weight. Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.

4. Take plenty of stimulants. The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.

5. Get rid of your social support system. Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.

6. Personalize all criticism. Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!

7. Males and females alike be macho. Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!

8. Become a workaholic. Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.

9. Discard good time management skills. Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.

10. Procrastinate. Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.

11. Worry about things you can't control. Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.

12. Become not only a perfectionist but set impossibly high standards...and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them.

13. Throw out your sense of humor. Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.

-- Joke submitted by greygoose   [Jokes]



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Maximizing Company Efficiency - New Restroom Trip Policy

Find that your employees are slacking off at work? Not fully utilizing their office hours? Spending too much time in the restroom and toilet chats? Try this new policy that is guaranteed to return those lost hours to your company!

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.

Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.

If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. But make sure you check with the 'Supervisor Questions Policy first'.

-- Joke submitted by Mark Curtis   [Jokes]



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