Jokes

Posted on 26 September 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The Attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The Farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

The Attorney said, "Do you have any grounds?"

The Farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The Farmer said, "No, I got a John Deere."

The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The Farmer said, "Yeh, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The Attorney said, "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The Farmer said, "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church ever' Sunday."

The Attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The Farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up at 4:30 A.M. together."

The Attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"

The Farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last kid was a nagger and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Top Ten Things Men Shouldn't say out loud in a Victoria Secret store

1. Does this come in children's sizes?

2. No Thanks. Just Sniffing.

3. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

4. Mom will love this.

5. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?

6. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.

7. Will you model this for me???

8. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

9. But darling-your mother already has that one in red.

10. 45 bucks? You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!

-- Joke submitted by KaSandra   [Jokes]



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A hunter saves an Indian chief being chased by a grizzly bear in the woods. The chief invites the hunter back to his camp to celebrate and reward the hunter for saving his life.

At the celebration, the Indian chief says to the hunter, "I have a special surprise for you: 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and choose one. She will be your wife."

The chief clapped his hands and 500 young, beautiful Indian maidens appeared, topless, before them. With closer inspection, the hunter notices that none of them have nipples on their breasts.

"Why don't these maidens have nipples on their breasts?" he asks the chief.

The chief turns to the hunter with surprise, "What, you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?"

-- Joke submitted by zuzu   [Jokes]



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46 Things that Girls Should Know By Now... But Don't

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect gift yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want the answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

8. Sunday=Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is harder. We are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.

19. Yes and no are perfectly good answers to almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Go see a doctor.

22. Foreign films are for foreigners.

23. Check your oil.

24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you won't dress up like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other.

30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway. It is genetic.

31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, neither do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. More women should were Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

38. ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

40. If it itches, it will be scratched.

41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

44. If we ask what is wrong and you say, "Nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her together.

46. What the hell is a doily?

-- Joke submitted by Umanya   [Jokes]



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The Ultimate List of Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks

1. I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.

2. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

3. Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

4. My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.

5. Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.

6. Wanna come back to my room? ...and see my 166mhz Pentium?

7. How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

8. You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.

9. You're sweeter than glucose.

10. We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.

11. Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me?

12. Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?

13. Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.

14. Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com

15. You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power.

-- Joke submitted by Robby Bobby   [Jokes]



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