Funny Stories

Posted on 25 November 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny stories updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

I went up to a homeless man as I came out of a pub last night and said, "What would you say if I asked you to come back to my house for a few drinks and a 3 course meal in front of the fireplace?"

"I'd say yes," he replied.

"Exactly," I said, shaking my head and walking away, "What the heck is wrong with women these days?"

-- Story submitted by Bergurin   [Funny Stories]



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When a fellow piano tuner was ill, I took over his assignment of tuning a piano in a girls' boarding house. While I was at work, several of the girls strolled casually through the room in various states of undress.

The climax came when a young lady in startling deshabille appeared to pay the bill. As I was writing the receipt, she suddenly gave me a bewildered look, then fled, screaming, "That's not our regular man!"

Their regular man is blind.

-- Story submitted by Elaine   [Funny Stories]



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I was on the computer in my home office when my eight-year-old son asked what I did for a living. "I'm a consultant," I said.

"What's a consultant?"

"It's someone who watches people work and then tells them how they could do it better."

"We have people like that in my class," he said, "but we call them pests."

-- Story submitted by Charles   [Funny Stories]



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Darwin Award "April Fools' Day Joke"

(1 April 2001, New York) A literary agent found himself dazed and patting out flames shortly after arriving at a two-alarm house fire equipped with a sandwich, a bullhorn, whiskey and a lawnchair. He climbed to the roof of a nearby house, perched on his lawnchair, and proceeded to lecture the startled emergency crew while enjoying his drink.

Three firemen had just finished clearing the house, locating the residents' young golden retriever in the process, when they heard Frank's imperious command. "Drop the dog and open the hydrant this instant!"

They turned in surprise and dropped the yelping puppy, which fell through the burning timbers and burst into flames. Onlookers mobbed the base of the heckler's house and threw cans and shrubbery at the obstreperous critic, who batted the projectiles aside with his bullhorn while continuing to drink whiskey and issue commands.

"The north side is engaged!"
"Position the hose along the azalea bushes!"
"Stop picking your nose!"

Sorely provoked, the the senior fireman, currently on administrative leave, picked up the dead (but still burning) dog and flung it onto the roof. The flaming animal landed in Frank's lap, igniting his spilled whiskey and severely burning his crotch.

Frank heaved the dog off himself, but neglected to brace his feet on the slanted roof. The lawnchair toppled and fell from the house, miraculously avoiding onlookers, who watched aghast while the prostrate man suffered further injuries from falling embers and his own roof-top accoutrements.

The house fire was eventually subdued, and paramedics transported the injured man and his loudspeaker to the hospital. Although he is recovering from his injuries, the prognosis is that he will never again be able to procreate with quite the same gusto.

-- Story submitted by anonymous   [Funny Stories]



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I finished writing the most perfect love letter for this girl at summer school. At the end of the letter I signed: "Your secret admirer". Cute, right?

Not really. Turns out I was so anxious to finish the letter that I ended up writing my name at the bottom.

-- Story submitted by Liam Gibson   [Funny Stories]



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