Funny Stories

Posted on 5 July 2022


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny stories updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A construction worker arrived at a home-building job in Bedford, Ind., to find someone was inside the house.

"The man told the worker the house belonged to his grandmother and he was taking a shower," a police spokesman said. "The construction worker knew the man was not telling the truth, so he took the man's clothes and told the man in the shower he was in trouble."

Rather than wait for the cops the naked man fled. "We are assuming he had a vehicle nearby."

-- Story submitted by Ted Milton   [Funny Stories]



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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Mil. Could I please speak with Robyn Swanson?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen."
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He screamed, "Stop calling me."
I said, "Make me."
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole."
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass."
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

Now I feel much better.

-- Story submitted by Caleostro   [Funny Stories]



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My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees. Dishes like: "Chicken Mickey," after our dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and "Rod's Ribs," after a waiter who had his personal style of barbecue.

One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and changed the description of the special we had named after our chef. Despite her skills and excellent reputation, somehow I didn't think an entree named: "Salmon Ella" would go over big with our customers.

-- Story submitted by Andrew Waker   [Funny Stories]



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This small not-for-profit organization is looking for ways to cut costs, and one obvious solution is to make all the research it produces available on a Web site, says a technician working there.

"That will wean subscribers away from bound reports, which are expensive to print and mail," he says.

"A big selling point is that this makes all the latest information immediately accessible, rather than subscribers having to wait for the report to be updated and printed every several years."

"Another advantage is that subscriber companies could make the information available to more people in the organization."

Everybody wins. What could go wrong?

Electronic versions of the reports are uploaded. Then a slick, full-color brochure is designed and printed, touting the benefits of using the Web site.

"After the marketing piece is distributed, it is proudly displayed at a staff meeting," says the technician.

"Only one problem -- no one bothered to let the editors look over the brochure before it was approved for printing."

"We immediately noticed that the Web address appeared nowhere in the entire brochure."

-- Story submitted by anonymous   [Funny Stories]



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I had a job interview with an up-and-coming company that was working on expanding their local network. After grilling me for half an hour, this very nice woman told me that if they offered me a position, I'd be "working on the client-server side of the network."

I managed not to laugh at that, but I left the room wondering how many of me they planned to hire.

-- Story submitted by ghost   [Funny Stories]



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