Funny Stories

Posted on 25 June 2021

We are happy to share with you a collection of funny stories updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

5. From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.

6. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

7. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

8. Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

9. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

10. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

11. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

12. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

13. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants ' was the asphalt!"

14. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

15. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

16. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

17. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

18. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

-- Story submitted by Rebecca Dunne   [Funny Stories]






A postage staff received a letter attention to God one day while sorting mail. When they opened it this is what it read:

Dear God,
I am a 95 year old woman and my $100 pension money was stolen.I have invited three of my friends for Christmas Dinner but don't know how i will be able to prepare a great one with no money. Please help me.

The post staff were so touched by the letter that they sent it around the mail room collecting whatever money the workers could give. They managed to collect $97, and the post master sent it back to the old lady.

Two weeks later they received another letter attention to God. The post staff gathered around all eager to know how they helped make her Christmas better. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am so grateful for money you send.
I was able to prepare such a lovely dinner and also buy presents.
But there was three dollars short. I reckon those bastards at the post office snatched it.

-- Story submitted by Bella Larkin   [Funny Stories]






I was at the pool, casually flirting with one of the lifeguards. He said that he would gladly give me CPR, in the event that I needed it. I laughed and thanked him, stating that it was a sweet idea, even though I wouldn't be needing assistance.

I then choked on my bottled water.

-- Story submitted by Sophia   [Funny Stories]






My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father’s Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After much searching, Ryan located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father.

Upon opening it, Dad read this message: “You’ve been like a father to me.” He looked at Ryan, puzzled.

“Well, Dad,” Ryan tried to explain, “it was either that or the card that said, ‘Now that I’m a father too!’”

-- Story submitted by Bob Hughes   [Funny Stories]






Professor Quotes

1. Make your life better whenever you run into trouble. That's one thing you should be sure to do.

2. Okay, so I answered a non-question.

3. Are there any questions on that? [Guy raises hand] Aah, shoot. You know that when I ask that I don't really want you to ask me a question.

4. How smooth is it? Smooth as you need.

5. If I give you something that looks really hard on a test, you get scared, you wet your pants, but if you boil through it, you find I'm just a whimp.

6. Yes, it's a 2 hour test. Tell your friends.

7. If I could speak in italics I would.

8. We don't want you to sit here with a pile of crap two feet high in front of you.

9. I spent 5 hours on a couple of problems to find an easy way to do them so I could stick you with them on the test, but I couldn't find an easy way to do them.

10. I probably can't answer your questions, that's a good way to get rid of questions, plead stupidity and move on.

11. I heard of a PhD student who got offered $70,000, so you'll probably want to make an assumption on the problem and then graduate.

12. That's kind of interesting, I guess... maybe?

13. Have your lawyer send me a letter.

14. There's a whole lot to say about this. We'll see how far we can go before we get sick of it.

15. I haven't graded your tests yet. Actually, I'm not even sure where they are.

16. Here's a theoremoid...

17. I don't know, I guess we could call up Scharf (the author of our text) and ask him what was on his mind when he wrote that.

18. When you want something to go to heck, go to the Cauchy.

19. I should get a teaching award for this (using the overhead projector).

20. I should know why I don't get teaching awards right?

21. And likewise, this Cramer Rao Bound thing should make you feel warm.

22. (Guy in next room is sharpening a pencil for a couple of minutes.) Let's drag him out and pommel him to a bloody pulp.

23. That's a good guess. It didn't work on the test like that... it's too bad.

24. Has anyone seen this stuff before? (No.) This is a case of the blind leading the blind.

25. I just want you to know up front that I don't know what I'm talking about.

-- Story submitted by quietsleeper   [Funny Stories]